6/22/11

I will start from the beginning.


My name is Alina Ann Kyser. I am 21 years old, slightly taller than average, and I don't tan well. I love to learn, but I've never been good at listening to advice. My left ear is lower than my right and I can't cross my eyes. I have the ability to care deeply about those I love. Unfortunately, those I love often leave my life. I am sarcastic to the point of bitterness at times, and I don't smile as often as I should. I love my cat, so sue me. If you asked me to describe heaven, I would paint you a picture of a small clearing in a dense forest where only enough light shines through the trees to see every shade of green imaginable. I am a serious flight risk.


Born in Astoria, Or., raised til my parents split at age 6 in Clatskanie, Or., I was a tomboy to say the least. I won a few logging contests, caught my share of bugs, and ran from imaginary dinosaurs with my cousin. I was happy, until my father started abusing my mother. When I moved to Longview, Wa. I was lost. My mother remarried. But I get the feeling she never really let herself open up again. 


Life from there was a bland blur of school and dramatic friendships. I met my best friend in grade 4; we had a crush on the same blonde-haired boy. I met my first real boyfriend in 7th grade, when I asked him out. I regret how that ended; he deserved better. Karma came in the form of a russian boy whom I lost a lot of my innocence for. When I received a letter from prison, and then one from his other girlfriend, I decided to go another direction. I found a safe, caring man who joined the marines for me. I got bored, I am sorry to say. Then I met another who offered me the world. I left him as well. Nice guys just weren't for me; wasn't used to it and therefore didn't trust it. 


After a midnight ride on a motorcycle and a few long phone conversations, I met another boy. At the time, my mother had just left her husband, and moved into a small house with the intention of relying on herself. It lasted a few weeks, until a friends dad showed up in his convertible. I decided to move to Yakima with my new romance. I know now that I was just looking to belong somewhere, with someone who wouldn't abandon me. It didn't work out; he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. I moved home to nothing. 


Motivated by an empty house, I started a new relationship with the sole interest of security. When I found out his cheating nature, I refused to let loneliness dictate my standings. I moved into a studio apartment on my own. I will never forget how happy I was to have my friends. Nights drinking and listening to music, talking about nothing and everything. 


Eventually, I met a new man. We should have took it slower, but I believe that more than anything, both of us just liked the idea of a relationship. It didn't have enough of a basis. We didn't get to know one another, and therefore relied for two years on the physical and other distractions. To add to the disconnect, he was in Alaska for half the year for work. It was a rocky relationship to say the least. Every time we fought or broke up, the boundaries crossed would go further and further. We moved into an apartment, then to Sandpoint, Id. We had hopes of a life together. But all the history left him unable to be the person he once was. He grew to resent me and became verbally and emotionally abusive. He became jealous and controlling. I lost all of my friends, and fell into a deep depression. I think I was just with him for the feeling of belonging, and for want of someone to love. When the police were called on assault charges, I took the option of leaving over pressing charges. 


Minot, Nd. is a very large town for North Dakota. I ended up here, due to lack of another place to live. My father's camper housed my cat, Oliver, and I for three weeks. During said time, I worked two jobs full time with the intention of either dying from exhaustion or forgetting my past. When my coworker pushed me one day, and I had a hard time due to my recent past, I told my father. We disagreed over how to handle it, and I was promptly thrown out.


Luckily, this brings me to my current life in Arizona. I reside on an airforce base in Tucson with an amazing friend and her equally amazing husband. I've met some great people and I've smiled more than I have in years. My cat is happy, and my tan is slowly improving. I miss my old life, and the feeling of being somebody's someone. I regret that I spent two years building what I wanted to be the perfect life, while it was obvious to even passersby that it was impossible for us. But I'm healing. 


I am realizing that my decisions are a resemblance of my mother, and her constant attempts to be with somebody. I also realize that I have seen all the important people in my life vanish, and it's severely affecting my already existing trust issues. Knowing this, I can adapt and overcome. So here we go. New life. New town. Wish me luck!