Having one of those nights where I can't sleep no matter what I do. I almost went crazy listening to the sound of rain on the roof. It reminds me so much of home. So I ended up laying in bed listening to music. Somehow I landed on country music. And I found a song that perfectly describes how I feel at this moment. I'm going to put the lyrics up, just for something to keep me busy. I would recommend the song, if you're into country.
Leaving's hard...trust me, it's really bad
It'll shake ya, damn-near break ya, it always has
You don't go until you're praying to break even,
Until staying's worse than leaving
God knows we tried everything that we could do
You can keep your pride and blame me if you need to
Even though this freedom feels a lot like treason,
I know staying's worse than leaving
It's gotta get better, it can't get worse
Hope it's a blessing not a curse
I don't care who passes judgement on my reasons
I know staying's worse than leaving
It's gotta get better, it can't get worse
Hope it's a blessing not a curse
I don't care who passes judgement on my reasons
I know staying's worse than leaving
Both our hearts let go a long time ago
Words leave scars and Lord knows they heal slow
Our love died but somehow we are both still breathin'
I just hope someday we'll look back on this grievin'
and say, staying's worse than leaving
Yeah, that staying's worse than leaving
Yeah, that staying's...
...worse than leaving
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
7/21/11
I'm beginning to think I need medication. This sleeping from 6am to noon business is starting to wear on me. Niquil? Dayquil? I'm at a loss here. My eyes are tired and my muscles are sore, but my mind will not shut off! At least I know that the stress and strain of my financial situation is almost over.
Job interview tomorrow!! Yes, the fact that I'm choosing to settle somewhere again scares the hell out of me. However, I like it here more and more every day. Sure, it's only a sandwich shop, and I might not even get the job. But a start is a start. My optimism is amping me up for this; I feel like my life is finally starting to fall back into place. Wish me luck tomorrow.
We rearranged my room this afternoon. I now have the option every night of bed or futon. It makes the room feel more open and a tad like a dorm. Maybe I'll have to start school to keep up with my living space's image. Oliver loves the couch. So naturally it has to stay. And I'm considering having slumber parties, just to make use of the space. It's a shame I don't have friends here yet! Hopefully, the new job will help with that (fingers crossed). I may have to share quarters with the hosts' family here soon. They may come down to visit, on the couple's first anniversary of all days. I would have told them to hold off, but they're nicer people than I am!
I am very much so looking forward to either of my sisters coming to visit! One of them I am attempting to convince to move to sunny Arizona (or the sunshine state as she accurately referred to it as). The other is visiting as a result of other people migrating south. Her son's father is going to school here, as well as my brother's ex. Also coming this way are her husband and his best man. My brother in law is going into the air force of all things! Perhaps I'll run into him here on base some day.
We got the cat and dogs all fixed up yesterday evening. No chew required! Oliver and his pack are now worm and flea free. The cat had a hard time with the host holding him, but his new softpaw nail caps worked wonders. Yes, he has pretty blue and gray nails now (in a completely hetero way). The host and hostess are making blueprints for a cat condo. From what I hear, it's going to be a cat palace. Looking forward to helping with that little project!
Do you remember those magnets that stick on the dishwasher and say "clean" and "dirty"? The hostess and I looked for an entire day in an attempt to track one down! Failing miserably, she decided to just buy a magnet from Michael's and decorate it accordingly. It turned out fantastic. There was color, and glitz, and it was just beautiful. Unfortunately, we have the only dishwasher that magnets do NOT stick to. It was pretty, just the same.
When we wake up later today we'll be going to the gym here on base. The host does those cycling classes. I hear that if you don't fall off the bike afterwards, you fall on the stairs outside. Can hardly wait! I'm in desperate need of some working out, as I'm finally putting on some weight. No more scrawny Alina. So there; stick it nature.
Got my bills all but paid today, and mailed off a few things. Looked into an AC recharger for the Aveo. I so badly want to drive that pregnant roller skate of a car off Mt. Lemmon. Of course, I'd take the sound system out first. But then I'd have nothing to listen to driving it up there. The plan has some hitches, but I'll keep brainstorming. I have the longest list of things I need to buy when I get this new job. A phone would be a great addition to my life!
My employers from Minot ND all failed to send me my last check, so I'm taking applications for who wants to call and threaten them with some sort of labor and industry law. It wasn't a lot of money, but it would help right now. Again, my hosts are phenomenal about helping me out. I came home to freshly laundered clothing again today. I have it so good!
My hair turned out great! It's shorter than I pictured, but I love it. Just wish it didn't take a shower, straightening, curling, and a ton of hairspray to make me view-able every morning. I miss being able to use hairbands so badly. I carried some around on my wrist the whole first day before looking down and realizing that they were irrelevant to me now. Regardless, I look good. I'll learn to adjust. Also getting used to being more blonde. Apparently, I am no longer a redhead or brunette. People here are either delusional or the sun is working miracles on my do. In spite of recent developments, I'm keeping my non-ditsy disposition .
The lightening storms here are still fairly ridiculous. Every night there are flood-inducing downpours. Assisting them are constant lightening bolts and huge scary cloud walls of dust. I found out today that a dust storm here, which is fun to watch, is referred to as a haboob. Is that not the funniest word ever?? It's arabic, but it just sounds like a term from Family Guy. Or maybe a new model from Volkswagen. Either way, I'm using it in conversation daily if possible.
Watched Jackass 3.5 tonight. I cried. I know, I'm the biggest loser ever. It's just sad to watch someone knowing he is gone now. All the friends in that show that are no longer able to have fun with him. It's terrible, and it puts things into perspective. On the opposite end of the spectrum, congrats to a new friend on her pregnancy!
Job interview tomorrow!! Yes, the fact that I'm choosing to settle somewhere again scares the hell out of me. However, I like it here more and more every day. Sure, it's only a sandwich shop, and I might not even get the job. But a start is a start. My optimism is amping me up for this; I feel like my life is finally starting to fall back into place. Wish me luck tomorrow.
We rearranged my room this afternoon. I now have the option every night of bed or futon. It makes the room feel more open and a tad like a dorm. Maybe I'll have to start school to keep up with my living space's image. Oliver loves the couch. So naturally it has to stay. And I'm considering having slumber parties, just to make use of the space. It's a shame I don't have friends here yet! Hopefully, the new job will help with that (fingers crossed). I may have to share quarters with the hosts' family here soon. They may come down to visit, on the couple's first anniversary of all days. I would have told them to hold off, but they're nicer people than I am!
I am very much so looking forward to either of my sisters coming to visit! One of them I am attempting to convince to move to sunny Arizona (or the sunshine state as she accurately referred to it as). The other is visiting as a result of other people migrating south. Her son's father is going to school here, as well as my brother's ex. Also coming this way are her husband and his best man. My brother in law is going into the air force of all things! Perhaps I'll run into him here on base some day.
We got the cat and dogs all fixed up yesterday evening. No chew required! Oliver and his pack are now worm and flea free. The cat had a hard time with the host holding him, but his new softpaw nail caps worked wonders. Yes, he has pretty blue and gray nails now (in a completely hetero way). The host and hostess are making blueprints for a cat condo. From what I hear, it's going to be a cat palace. Looking forward to helping with that little project!
Do you remember those magnets that stick on the dishwasher and say "clean" and "dirty"? The hostess and I looked for an entire day in an attempt to track one down! Failing miserably, she decided to just buy a magnet from Michael's and decorate it accordingly. It turned out fantastic. There was color, and glitz, and it was just beautiful. Unfortunately, we have the only dishwasher that magnets do NOT stick to. It was pretty, just the same.
When we wake up later today we'll be going to the gym here on base. The host does those cycling classes. I hear that if you don't fall off the bike afterwards, you fall on the stairs outside. Can hardly wait! I'm in desperate need of some working out, as I'm finally putting on some weight. No more scrawny Alina. So there; stick it nature.
Got my bills all but paid today, and mailed off a few things. Looked into an AC recharger for the Aveo. I so badly want to drive that pregnant roller skate of a car off Mt. Lemmon. Of course, I'd take the sound system out first. But then I'd have nothing to listen to driving it up there. The plan has some hitches, but I'll keep brainstorming. I have the longest list of things I need to buy when I get this new job. A phone would be a great addition to my life!
My employers from Minot ND all failed to send me my last check, so I'm taking applications for who wants to call and threaten them with some sort of labor and industry law. It wasn't a lot of money, but it would help right now. Again, my hosts are phenomenal about helping me out. I came home to freshly laundered clothing again today. I have it so good!
My hair turned out great! It's shorter than I pictured, but I love it. Just wish it didn't take a shower, straightening, curling, and a ton of hairspray to make me view-able every morning. I miss being able to use hairbands so badly. I carried some around on my wrist the whole first day before looking down and realizing that they were irrelevant to me now. Regardless, I look good. I'll learn to adjust. Also getting used to being more blonde. Apparently, I am no longer a redhead or brunette. People here are either delusional or the sun is working miracles on my do. In spite of recent developments, I'm keeping my non-ditsy disposition .
The lightening storms here are still fairly ridiculous. Every night there are flood-inducing downpours. Assisting them are constant lightening bolts and huge scary cloud walls of dust. I found out today that a dust storm here, which is fun to watch, is referred to as a haboob. Is that not the funniest word ever?? It's arabic, but it just sounds like a term from Family Guy. Or maybe a new model from Volkswagen. Either way, I'm using it in conversation daily if possible.
Watched Jackass 3.5 tonight. I cried. I know, I'm the biggest loser ever. It's just sad to watch someone knowing he is gone now. All the friends in that show that are no longer able to have fun with him. It's terrible, and it puts things into perspective. On the opposite end of the spectrum, congrats to a new friend on her pregnancy!
Monday, July 18, 2011
7/18/11
Happy Monday! If that doesn't piss anyone off, then I give up on sarcasm. Job Hunt '11 is in effect! Hoping to hear back from one of a million veterinary clinics/hospitals/hole in the walls. I'm very happy with the support I've gotten for working in this field. I guess it's the more dignified choice over being a cat lady.
The hair is getting chopped off today too. As fun as it is to have a yard of hair, I am looking forward to a) it being one color again, and b) it not tripping me when I walk. Alright, that's an exaggeration, but it's seriously TOO long. If you know who Victoria Beckham is, that's what I'll be aiming for. If you don't, that's really a shame; she's kinda nice to look at.
I'm very very excited to get the ball rolling on this job and apartment goal! I think it would be amazing for me to be out on my own. Again. I lost a few things in the last move, and I will be needing to re-buy every electronic, cooking utensil, and piece of furniture. However, I'm looking at it as an opportunity to redecorate my life the way I actually want it. Apartments here are everywhere, so that won't be a problem. My only issue will be finding one that doesn't have tenants who want to steal my car. Not that my car's worth stealing. I just dunno if they'll know that. I would hate to disappoint the carjackers.
The weekend went surprisingly uneventfully. However, yesterday the hosts and I went shopping for car stereos at Best Buy. It wouldn't have been my first choice. I actually didn't think they had much of a selection of anything. There were only about twenty tvs, they didn't have a kinect demo up, and they only had one stapler. It was a mini-stapler. Needless to say, it was an epic fail. So we went to Olive Garden. The seafood portofino is great, in case you're ever in need of a second opinion. And the host and I loved the chocolate martinis!
The cat has worms. As fun as that was to type, I only threw it out there to see if anyone thinks I'm going to kill him by giving him snuff. I wonder if he'll like wintergreen...
The hair is getting chopped off today too. As fun as it is to have a yard of hair, I am looking forward to a) it being one color again, and b) it not tripping me when I walk. Alright, that's an exaggeration, but it's seriously TOO long. If you know who Victoria Beckham is, that's what I'll be aiming for. If you don't, that's really a shame; she's kinda nice to look at.
I'm very very excited to get the ball rolling on this job and apartment goal! I think it would be amazing for me to be out on my own. Again. I lost a few things in the last move, and I will be needing to re-buy every electronic, cooking utensil, and piece of furniture. However, I'm looking at it as an opportunity to redecorate my life the way I actually want it. Apartments here are everywhere, so that won't be a problem. My only issue will be finding one that doesn't have tenants who want to steal my car. Not that my car's worth stealing. I just dunno if they'll know that. I would hate to disappoint the carjackers.
The weekend went surprisingly uneventfully. However, yesterday the hosts and I went shopping for car stereos at Best Buy. It wouldn't have been my first choice. I actually didn't think they had much of a selection of anything. There were only about twenty tvs, they didn't have a kinect demo up, and they only had one stapler. It was a mini-stapler. Needless to say, it was an epic fail. So we went to Olive Garden. The seafood portofino is great, in case you're ever in need of a second opinion. And the host and I loved the chocolate martinis!
The cat has worms. As fun as that was to type, I only threw it out there to see if anyone thinks I'm going to kill him by giving him snuff. I wonder if he'll like wintergreen...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
7/16/11
I have no idea where all this energy came from, but today I was so spunky I was almost annoying. Didn't get much in the way of chores accomplished, but I had so much fun! Nothing like dancing like a fool in a parked car.
The hosts and I got up early to go shopping for groceries at the commissary. Saved 50 bucks with our coupons, but I still don't understand how some women do it! Spend $5 for fifteen boxes of cereal? Come on! Share the secret, ladies. After dropping off the working man back at home, the mrs. and I went to Costco for some water and freeee samples! Nothing like the taste of free food. If only they had free samples of the liquor selection in that place; make shopping more fun. The drive to and from the stores was very fun, as we danced and sang and sped.
Almost caught up watching seasons of Desperate Housewives. I hate every character on that show by now for some reason, but I can't stop watching it. I think somehow I'm hoping they'll all die in the end. Dinner ended up having to be reheated when the guys didn't get to take lunch until 2 hours after the normal time. But it was still absolutely fantastic. Considering making a scratch post for my psychotic cat who attacks walls now. The weather has returned to being gorgeous. It was 103 when we checked the temperature. And I got to watch some of The Hangover this evening. Gotta love that movie; can't wait to see the sequel here soon! Had a great conversation about politics. There's a first for me! Hoping to look into those jobs tomorrow, seeing as I no longer have to babysit. Boo!
The hosts and I got up early to go shopping for groceries at the commissary. Saved 50 bucks with our coupons, but I still don't understand how some women do it! Spend $5 for fifteen boxes of cereal? Come on! Share the secret, ladies. After dropping off the working man back at home, the mrs. and I went to Costco for some water and freeee samples! Nothing like the taste of free food. If only they had free samples of the liquor selection in that place; make shopping more fun. The drive to and from the stores was very fun, as we danced and sang and sped.
Almost caught up watching seasons of Desperate Housewives. I hate every character on that show by now for some reason, but I can't stop watching it. I think somehow I'm hoping they'll all die in the end. Dinner ended up having to be reheated when the guys didn't get to take lunch until 2 hours after the normal time. But it was still absolutely fantastic. Considering making a scratch post for my psychotic cat who attacks walls now. The weather has returned to being gorgeous. It was 103 when we checked the temperature. And I got to watch some of The Hangover this evening. Gotta love that movie; can't wait to see the sequel here soon! Had a great conversation about politics. There's a first for me! Hoping to look into those jobs tomorrow, seeing as I no longer have to babysit. Boo!
Friday, July 15, 2011
7/15/11
Speaking as the only single woman on this airforce base, I'd just like to say that it SUCKS watching life here. All the happily married couples. All the moms with soccer vans full of little kids. All the pregnant wives with husbands who come home from jobs with new stories and kisses and ugh. I am beginning to think that a career and an apartment off this base would be the best thing for me to do. At least then I can pick the throw pillows and walk around in whatever undies I feel like! I guess I am just anxious for my life to start. I feel I've wasted years of my life constructing plans in the wrong cities with the wrong people. Hopefully, this time around (when it comes around, that is) will be more fruitful.
Today was a potentially productive day that turned into a major day in bed. I felt so sick all day! Up until a few hours ago, I didn't really feel like doing much besides laying down and passing out. Thank god for my hosts! They are amazing to me. Soup and brownies!!
I also applied for that sweepstakes deal on TV, Publisher's Clearing House..pray for me please. I'm thinking if I win, I'll buy my teal RX8 and my '94 Toyota and take a vacation back home. Not very saintly actions, but they sound fun to me!
Today was a potentially productive day that turned into a major day in bed. I felt so sick all day! Up until a few hours ago, I didn't really feel like doing much besides laying down and passing out. Thank god for my hosts! They are amazing to me. Soup and brownies!!
I also applied for that sweepstakes deal on TV, Publisher's Clearing House..pray for me please. I'm thinking if I win, I'll buy my teal RX8 and my '94 Toyota and take a vacation back home. Not very saintly actions, but they sound fun to me!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
7/14/11
You know how there are two sides to every story? Well, I've decided that I don't like hearing both of them. It only puts a strain on the friendships you have and makes you question everything. So, from now on, I will be closed-minded and self-absorbed like everyone else in this God forsaken base. There! Now that my little rant is out, I can continue on with my all around good day.
Today, after a wonderful dream about my sister and I going to see motocross, I woke up to my host telling me to go babysit. Not that I mind babysitting my friend's two wonderful kids..it's just that a girl needs more than 5 minutes to get ready in the morning..or mid-afternoon rather. However, due to this friend's amazing breakfast wrap cooking skills, I had an alright time. We pointed out jets and read puzzles with all the pieces missing. It was a blast!
Got much more accomplished on the career front as well! My resume is completed, and I did some job scoping tonight online. Turns out, lots of people here have animals. There are probably 30 veterinary offices in Tucson within a 15 minute drive from the house. Tomorrow is going to be fun!
Working out tonight was also pretty amazing. Got some crunches and push-ups in with the hostess. Also went for a long jog/walk. After dark here on base you're supposed to wear something bright and reflective, but none of the airforce belts fit me. Yes, that is the best excuse I can think of for not looking like a damn fool running in protective gear. Have to thank the hostess for doing my laundry while I watched the chillens though. Wouldn't have had my classy teal running shorts without her!
Today, after a wonderful dream about my sister and I going to see motocross, I woke up to my host telling me to go babysit. Not that I mind babysitting my friend's two wonderful kids..it's just that a girl needs more than 5 minutes to get ready in the morning..or mid-afternoon rather. However, due to this friend's amazing breakfast wrap cooking skills, I had an alright time. We pointed out jets and read puzzles with all the pieces missing. It was a blast!
Got much more accomplished on the career front as well! My resume is completed, and I did some job scoping tonight online. Turns out, lots of people here have animals. There are probably 30 veterinary offices in Tucson within a 15 minute drive from the house. Tomorrow is going to be fun!
Working out tonight was also pretty amazing. Got some crunches and push-ups in with the hostess. Also went for a long jog/walk. After dark here on base you're supposed to wear something bright and reflective, but none of the airforce belts fit me. Yes, that is the best excuse I can think of for not looking like a damn fool running in protective gear. Have to thank the hostess for doing my laundry while I watched the chillens though. Wouldn't have had my classy teal running shorts without her!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
7/13/11
It needs to hurry up and rain here! For the last week the threatening look of the clouds has kept me from doing anything constructive. The least they could do is give me a little moisture to remind me of home.
I can't say I didn't get anything done I suppose. For one, I looked up my absolute favorite star in the sky. For years now, I've wondered what it was called and if there were any fascinating facts or stories about it. My recent ex used this star as an excuse to call me some nights because it shone through the fog on the ocean. I wished upon it alone every night for months. Whenever I had a night outside, I purposely sought out this glittering beacon. Sometimes, at my lowest moments, I directed prayers to this star. UMa 78. That's the name of my super-star (excuse the laaaame pun). No history or lore. No animals it helps draw in the heavens. Disappointing? You bet. I'd rename it in the ISR if anyone besides the ISR took them seriously.
The yard, well, scratch that..dirt patch out back, is improving slowly. Today my host and I moved 4 buckets of rock from one corner of the area to another. I use the term rock loosely, as it's really gravel in its cheapest form. In my opinion, grass doesn't belong in Arizona. That's why the turf that grows on its own here is hard and pokey like everything else in Arizona. The plants here launch sneak attacks on your feet in the form of small stickers that lodge themselves in socks, shoes, mats, and fur. When you finally find one, it makes you want to kill every form of flora in a ten mile radius. Gotta love the desert.
Tomorrow I'm looking forward to getting on this job hunt for real. Hopefully someone finds me on the couch tomorrow morning as I drink my coffee and hands me a job. But the reality of my situation has forced me to action. Still, here's hoping.
I can't say I didn't get anything done I suppose. For one, I looked up my absolute favorite star in the sky. For years now, I've wondered what it was called and if there were any fascinating facts or stories about it. My recent ex used this star as an excuse to call me some nights because it shone through the fog on the ocean. I wished upon it alone every night for months. Whenever I had a night outside, I purposely sought out this glittering beacon. Sometimes, at my lowest moments, I directed prayers to this star. UMa 78. That's the name of my super-star (excuse the laaaame pun). No history or lore. No animals it helps draw in the heavens. Disappointing? You bet. I'd rename it in the ISR if anyone besides the ISR took them seriously.
The yard, well, scratch that..dirt patch out back, is improving slowly. Today my host and I moved 4 buckets of rock from one corner of the area to another. I use the term rock loosely, as it's really gravel in its cheapest form. In my opinion, grass doesn't belong in Arizona. That's why the turf that grows on its own here is hard and pokey like everything else in Arizona. The plants here launch sneak attacks on your feet in the form of small stickers that lodge themselves in socks, shoes, mats, and fur. When you finally find one, it makes you want to kill every form of flora in a ten mile radius. Gotta love the desert.
Tomorrow I'm looking forward to getting on this job hunt for real. Hopefully someone finds me on the couch tomorrow morning as I drink my coffee and hands me a job. But the reality of my situation has forced me to action. Still, here's hoping.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
7/12/11
It has taken me a while to get back on here. For that I would like to apologize. I've found that when you put everything down on proverbial paper, some people have a hard time keeping an open mind. However! I have decided that, to put it plainly, I don't give a damn. With that in mind, let me fill you in on the last month of my life here in beautiful Arizona!
I now know my way around town well enough to find the Walmart and a Starbucks. My cat considers himself part of a "one cat wolf pack" as of late. I don't work out as much as I'd like to yet, but I have started jogging. It's just a shame that there are thunderstorms every day here this time of year. As a direct result, my tan is suffering. But I can make a mean jello shot these days.
As for my gracious hosts, they're doing well! They've just purchased a new car, which has about 175 hp on mine. They also have a very pretty new living room setup. Makes me feel like I'm walking into a Home & Garden magazine every time I leave my room..in a good way.
The 4th of July wasn't the biggest of events on my social calendar. All we did at the house was cook red and blue foods, then BBQ and go out for the fireworks. I must say, I was pretty happy about all those patriotic jello shots.
I miss my family back home. I am anxious for my sister, whose husband has decided to join the reserves. I'm happy for my father, as he gets to be with my sister. My other sister, one not by blood, is also in my thoughts. I want her to be happy as well. My mother's wedding will be next month. It's a shame I was demoted from maid of honor to, well, nothing. Perhaps I'll send a fruit basket. Aside from my bitterness about the wedding, I am happy to have chosen Tucson.
I haven't made many new friends. I haven't really been out of the house enough to even know what the neighbors look like. However, I am completely happy with the people I surround myself with on a daily basis. My only concern is my job situation. I'll have to keep you updated on that dilemma. I also hope sometimes that I'll find someone who isn't so tied down to go out on the town with every once in a while. Why live in a city if you aren't going to take advantage of it's..hmm..city-ness??
The deserts here are more beautiful than you can imagine. Who'd have thought that sand and cacti could look so pretty? I miss trees, waterfalls, and huge snow-covered mountains in the distance, but I'm adapting.
Expect more detailed entries from here on out, as I plan to commit to this blog.
I now know my way around town well enough to find the Walmart and a Starbucks. My cat considers himself part of a "one cat wolf pack" as of late. I don't work out as much as I'd like to yet, but I have started jogging. It's just a shame that there are thunderstorms every day here this time of year. As a direct result, my tan is suffering. But I can make a mean jello shot these days.
As for my gracious hosts, they're doing well! They've just purchased a new car, which has about 175 hp on mine. They also have a very pretty new living room setup. Makes me feel like I'm walking into a Home & Garden magazine every time I leave my room..in a good way.
The 4th of July wasn't the biggest of events on my social calendar. All we did at the house was cook red and blue foods, then BBQ and go out for the fireworks. I must say, I was pretty happy about all those patriotic jello shots.
I miss my family back home. I am anxious for my sister, whose husband has decided to join the reserves. I'm happy for my father, as he gets to be with my sister. My other sister, one not by blood, is also in my thoughts. I want her to be happy as well. My mother's wedding will be next month. It's a shame I was demoted from maid of honor to, well, nothing. Perhaps I'll send a fruit basket. Aside from my bitterness about the wedding, I am happy to have chosen Tucson.
I haven't made many new friends. I haven't really been out of the house enough to even know what the neighbors look like. However, I am completely happy with the people I surround myself with on a daily basis. My only concern is my job situation. I'll have to keep you updated on that dilemma. I also hope sometimes that I'll find someone who isn't so tied down to go out on the town with every once in a while. Why live in a city if you aren't going to take advantage of it's..hmm..city-ness??
The deserts here are more beautiful than you can imagine. Who'd have thought that sand and cacti could look so pretty? I miss trees, waterfalls, and huge snow-covered mountains in the distance, but I'm adapting.
Expect more detailed entries from here on out, as I plan to commit to this blog.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
6/22/11
I will start from the beginning.
My name is Alina Ann Kyser. I am 21 years old, slightly taller than average, and I don't tan well. I love to learn, but I've never been good at listening to advice. My left ear is lower than my right and I can't cross my eyes. I have the ability to care deeply about those I love. Unfortunately, those I love often leave my life. I am sarcastic to the point of bitterness at times, and I don't smile as often as I should. I love my cat, so sue me. If you asked me to describe heaven, I would paint you a picture of a small clearing in a dense forest where only enough light shines through the trees to see every shade of green imaginable. I am a serious flight risk.
Born in Astoria, Or., raised til my parents split at age 6 in Clatskanie, Or., I was a tomboy to say the least. I won a few logging contests, caught my share of bugs, and ran from imaginary dinosaurs with my cousin. I was happy, until my father started abusing my mother. When I moved to Longview, Wa. I was lost. My mother remarried. But I get the feeling she never really let herself open up again.
Life from there was a bland blur of school and dramatic friendships. I met my best friend in grade 4; we had a crush on the same blonde-haired boy. I met my first real boyfriend in 7th grade, when I asked him out. I regret how that ended; he deserved better. Karma came in the form of a russian boy whom I lost a lot of my innocence for. When I received a letter from prison, and then one from his other girlfriend, I decided to go another direction. I found a safe, caring man who joined the marines for me. I got bored, I am sorry to say. Then I met another who offered me the world. I left him as well. Nice guys just weren't for me; wasn't used to it and therefore didn't trust it.
After a midnight ride on a motorcycle and a few long phone conversations, I met another boy. At the time, my mother had just left her husband, and moved into a small house with the intention of relying on herself. It lasted a few weeks, until a friends dad showed up in his convertible. I decided to move to Yakima with my new romance. I know now that I was just looking to belong somewhere, with someone who wouldn't abandon me. It didn't work out; he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. I moved home to nothing.
Motivated by an empty house, I started a new relationship with the sole interest of security. When I found out his cheating nature, I refused to let loneliness dictate my standings. I moved into a studio apartment on my own. I will never forget how happy I was to have my friends. Nights drinking and listening to music, talking about nothing and everything.
Eventually, I met a new man. We should have took it slower, but I believe that more than anything, both of us just liked the idea of a relationship. It didn't have enough of a basis. We didn't get to know one another, and therefore relied for two years on the physical and other distractions. To add to the disconnect, he was in Alaska for half the year for work. It was a rocky relationship to say the least. Every time we fought or broke up, the boundaries crossed would go further and further. We moved into an apartment, then to Sandpoint, Id. We had hopes of a life together. But all the history left him unable to be the person he once was. He grew to resent me and became verbally and emotionally abusive. He became jealous and controlling. I lost all of my friends, and fell into a deep depression. I think I was just with him for the feeling of belonging, and for want of someone to love. When the police were called on assault charges, I took the option of leaving over pressing charges.
Minot, Nd. is a very large town for North Dakota. I ended up here, due to lack of another place to live. My father's camper housed my cat, Oliver, and I for three weeks. During said time, I worked two jobs full time with the intention of either dying from exhaustion or forgetting my past. When my coworker pushed me one day, and I had a hard time due to my recent past, I told my father. We disagreed over how to handle it, and I was promptly thrown out.
Luckily, this brings me to my current life in Arizona. I reside on an airforce base in Tucson with an amazing friend and her equally amazing husband. I've met some great people and I've smiled more than I have in years. My cat is happy, and my tan is slowly improving. I miss my old life, and the feeling of being somebody's someone. I regret that I spent two years building what I wanted to be the perfect life, while it was obvious to even passersby that it was impossible for us. But I'm healing.
I am realizing that my decisions are a resemblance of my mother, and her constant attempts to be with somebody. I also realize that I have seen all the important people in my life vanish, and it's severely affecting my already existing trust issues. Knowing this, I can adapt and overcome. So here we go. New life. New town. Wish me luck!
My name is Alina Ann Kyser. I am 21 years old, slightly taller than average, and I don't tan well. I love to learn, but I've never been good at listening to advice. My left ear is lower than my right and I can't cross my eyes. I have the ability to care deeply about those I love. Unfortunately, those I love often leave my life. I am sarcastic to the point of bitterness at times, and I don't smile as often as I should. I love my cat, so sue me. If you asked me to describe heaven, I would paint you a picture of a small clearing in a dense forest where only enough light shines through the trees to see every shade of green imaginable. I am a serious flight risk.
Born in Astoria, Or., raised til my parents split at age 6 in Clatskanie, Or., I was a tomboy to say the least. I won a few logging contests, caught my share of bugs, and ran from imaginary dinosaurs with my cousin. I was happy, until my father started abusing my mother. When I moved to Longview, Wa. I was lost. My mother remarried. But I get the feeling she never really let herself open up again.
Life from there was a bland blur of school and dramatic friendships. I met my best friend in grade 4; we had a crush on the same blonde-haired boy. I met my first real boyfriend in 7th grade, when I asked him out. I regret how that ended; he deserved better. Karma came in the form of a russian boy whom I lost a lot of my innocence for. When I received a letter from prison, and then one from his other girlfriend, I decided to go another direction. I found a safe, caring man who joined the marines for me. I got bored, I am sorry to say. Then I met another who offered me the world. I left him as well. Nice guys just weren't for me; wasn't used to it and therefore didn't trust it.
After a midnight ride on a motorcycle and a few long phone conversations, I met another boy. At the time, my mother had just left her husband, and moved into a small house with the intention of relying on herself. It lasted a few weeks, until a friends dad showed up in his convertible. I decided to move to Yakima with my new romance. I know now that I was just looking to belong somewhere, with someone who wouldn't abandon me. It didn't work out; he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. I moved home to nothing.
Motivated by an empty house, I started a new relationship with the sole interest of security. When I found out his cheating nature, I refused to let loneliness dictate my standings. I moved into a studio apartment on my own. I will never forget how happy I was to have my friends. Nights drinking and listening to music, talking about nothing and everything.
Eventually, I met a new man. We should have took it slower, but I believe that more than anything, both of us just liked the idea of a relationship. It didn't have enough of a basis. We didn't get to know one another, and therefore relied for two years on the physical and other distractions. To add to the disconnect, he was in Alaska for half the year for work. It was a rocky relationship to say the least. Every time we fought or broke up, the boundaries crossed would go further and further. We moved into an apartment, then to Sandpoint, Id. We had hopes of a life together. But all the history left him unable to be the person he once was. He grew to resent me and became verbally and emotionally abusive. He became jealous and controlling. I lost all of my friends, and fell into a deep depression. I think I was just with him for the feeling of belonging, and for want of someone to love. When the police were called on assault charges, I took the option of leaving over pressing charges.
Minot, Nd. is a very large town for North Dakota. I ended up here, due to lack of another place to live. My father's camper housed my cat, Oliver, and I for three weeks. During said time, I worked two jobs full time with the intention of either dying from exhaustion or forgetting my past. When my coworker pushed me one day, and I had a hard time due to my recent past, I told my father. We disagreed over how to handle it, and I was promptly thrown out.
Luckily, this brings me to my current life in Arizona. I reside on an airforce base in Tucson with an amazing friend and her equally amazing husband. I've met some great people and I've smiled more than I have in years. My cat is happy, and my tan is slowly improving. I miss my old life, and the feeling of being somebody's someone. I regret that I spent two years building what I wanted to be the perfect life, while it was obvious to even passersby that it was impossible for us. But I'm healing.
I am realizing that my decisions are a resemblance of my mother, and her constant attempts to be with somebody. I also realize that I have seen all the important people in my life vanish, and it's severely affecting my already existing trust issues. Knowing this, I can adapt and overcome. So here we go. New life. New town. Wish me luck!
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